Mah name is Mahonrai Moriancumer Marsh.

Ya migh’ve done heard about me by ‘nuthur name. The mad Mormon.

I done grew up in midvale, a mining town on thay …err outskerts ov salt lake city. My fathuurr were ayy myne foeman, ayn’ he done made ayy preytty penny ‘afawe this here nonsense with the Ghost Rok, givin’ ayy brigh’ ‘n thrivin’ Zion cancer. When coppur were as cheap as piss in ayy buket, he were given the opshun ta myne the awful new infurnal stuff, aw retire. He done chose the latur. He’s spendin the rest av his days volunteering faw the church, quarrying granite ayn’ marble faw the salt lake temple.

I were bawn therteenth ov my father’s twenty-two chirren, though he only fathered me ayn’ five others. Thay …err rest was adopted ayn’ sealed into thay …err kinfolk. What’s ‘sealed’, y’all ask? so you nahwt familiar with mawmons? it just means we was done made kinfolk by thay …uhh powuurr ov god. With all that there’s a-happenin’ in the wawld, I fynd mos’ fo’k that there have spent some tahm in the wild believe that there magik exists, ayn’ they just lump bible thumpers in with huksters ayn’ them crazy tinkerers wawking on ghost rok.

So with an awful huge kinfolk, ayn’ a fathuurr that there spent what tahm he wasn’t in the mines at church volunteering as ayy priesthood leader, ay spent my youth rebelling. Ay done got mixed up with some non-members, them gentiles, ayn’ we done some damage, though mainly ta ourselves. Awful old enough ta know better, but awful young enough ta be ruled by my angst, ay almost done died in an accident on ayy railcar truss in the roky mowuntains, near soldier’s hollow. The congregashun nearby nursed us bak ta health, even though my friends ayn’ ay cut them off frawum theuurr supply lahn into civilizashun.

It were ayy wakeup call, ayn’ soon as ay were whel enough ay wawked on repaering the rail lahn.

Soon after, ay were done called on ayy proselyting mission faw thay …err church ta thay …err indians around thay …err grand canyon.

Aftuurr ayy few years a-livin’ with thay …err beautiful Kaibab folk, ay done had anothuurr accident. Ay were a-visitin’ with some families that there done lived near the rim if the canyon, ayn’ my guide, the awful young daughtuurr av the local shaman, slipped ayn’ done fell ta huurr death. The shaman done wanted ta kill me, but several ov the elders done knew it wasn’t murduurr. They let the shaman harrow my maand ayn’ sowl faw ovuurr ayy week, chasing me out ov the region.

ay done returned ta my kinfolk, ayn’ done decided ta become ayy ranguurr. Ay’d done my fauurr share av mischief, ayn’ ay’d saw what goes bump in thay …uhh night, ayn’ ay done wanted ta use that there experience ta make thay …uhh wawld bettuurr faw my nieces ayn’ nephews.

thay …err last 10 years av my life been on thay …err road. Ay done ate burnt stew by the fere. Ay done slept unduurr haystaks, in boarding houses, on roks ayn’ twigs, until ay done got myself ayy bukboard buggy, ayn’ now ay sleep like ayy king. Ay’ve hunted outlaws frawum st geawge ta logan, ayn’ wendovuurr ta green rivuurr. Ay’ve even chased ayy handful across thay …err republic’s bawduurr.

none av my exploits as ayy ranguurr are mawe memawable than the tahm ay done got the help av ayy a-travelin’ eccentrik named beaufawt farnswawth that there done used ayy giant punt gun mowunted on ayy rivuurr boat ta take down ayy dozen watuurr demons av some sawt that there was terrawizing the locals